As I enter my last week working as a server at Snack Bar for the next few months, let us commemorate the nice, and ‘not-so-intelligent’, things that have been said to me over the past four months.
Here are my top ten Restaurant Tales…
Restaurant Tales #7
Customer 1: You have an accent. Are you from England?
Me: Nope
Customer 2: London?
Me: Ahhh, no
Customer 3: Great Britain?
Doh!
Restaurant Tales #2
[Middle-aged couple visiting from Louisana]
Man: Can I please get the vermicelli bowl, but without the vermicelli?
Me: So…you just want a bowl?
[Silence]
Man: I think I’ll have the avocado quinoa
Me: Good choice!
Restaurant Tales #131
Humble Wisconsin folk
Restaurant Tales #78
[Four-year-old girl points at me]
Girl to her uncle: ‘What’s her name?’
Restaurant Tales #103
Restaurant Tales #34
[Enter stage right Customer]
Me: Welcome to Snack Bar. Table for one?
Customer: Nah, I just have a to-go order. Do you sell p** [indecipherable pronunciation]?
Me: Do we sell POT?! I’m sorry, this is not Colorado.
Customer: No, do you sell PIE?
Me: Oh, yes, we do sell pie. It’s vanilla bean pie. Have some pie, good sir.
Restaurant Tales #4/1
April Fools
Restaurant tales #51
[Group of three girls from Texas, California and New York]
Girl 1: Where are you from?
Me: Guess
Girls 1, 2 & 3: [The usual guesses of England, Ireland and Scotland]
Me: No
Girl 2: South Africa
Me: No, but now you’re in the right hemisphere
Girl 2: Morocco!
Me: No, Southern Hemisphere. I am from an English-speaking country that is almost as big as the contiguous US
Girl 3: Those two islands off Africa…Seychelles! Mauritius!
God help me.
Restaurant Tales #46
Musings of an admirer: Swipe Right
So sweet!
Restaurant Tales #4444
Four awkward frat boys sitting at a table
PART I
Me: May I recommend our delicious goat meatloaf dish
Frat 1: What meat is the goat meatloaf? Is it lamb?
Me: No…[pause]…it’s…it’s goat, goat meatloaf, just like the name says
Frat 1: [Confused look] I’ll have the goat meatloaf
Me: Excellent choice, Sir
PART II
Frat 2: I’d like the avocado quinoa
Me: And what protein would you like with that? My favorite is the fried tofu
Frat 2: Yes, I’ll have the tofu
[15 minutes later, eating tofu avocado quinoa]
Me: How is your meal going?
Frat 2: Umm, I guess I shouldn’t have gotten the tofu. I’m kind of trying to avoid soy
Me: Well, that is *exactly* what tofu is, soy protein
Frat 2: [Confused look] Yeah, you’re right
Me: I know
PART III
Frat 3: Where are you from?
Me: Australia
Frat 3: Do you think we’re ‘sangas’?
Me: Do I think you’re sausage sandwiches?
Frat 3: No, sangas
Me: Do you mean ‘rangas’? I’m the only ranga here
Frat 3: I mean, do you think we’re bogans?
Me: I’m going to let y’all decide that one…
If you liked Restaurant Tales, you’ll love Camp Stories, a collection of what happens when you spend five weeks teaching English to 12 ten-year-old Spanish kids in Madrid.
Matt Moffitt 