Restaurant Tales


As I enter my last week working as a server at Snack Bar for the next few months, let us commemorate the nice, and ‘not-so-intelligent’, things that have been said to me over the past four months.

Here are my top ten Restaurant Tales

Restaurant Tales #7

Customer 1: You have an accent. Are you from England?

Me: Nope

Customer 2: London?

Me: Ahhh, no

Customer 3: Great Britain?


Restaurant Tales #2

[Middle-aged couple visiting from Louisana]

Man: Can I please get the vermicelli bowl, but without the vermicelli?

Me: So…you just want a bowl?


Man: I think I’ll have the avocado quinoa

Me: Good choice!

Restaurant Tales #131

Humble Wisconsin folk


Restaurant Tales #78

[Four-year-old girl points at me]

Girl to her uncle: ‘What’s her name?’

Restaurant Tales #103


Restaurant Tales #34

[Enter stage right Customer]

Me: Welcome to Snack Bar. Table for one?

Customer: Nah, I just have a to-go order. Do you sell p** [indecipherable pronunciation]?

Me: Do we sell POT?! I’m sorry, this is not Colorado.

Customer: No, do you sell PIE?

Me: Oh, yes, we do sell pie. It’s vanilla bean pie. Have some pie, good sir.

Restaurant Tales #4/1

April Fools


Restaurant tales #51

[Group of three girls from Texas, California and New York]

Girl 1: Where are you from?

Me: Guess

Girls 1, 2 & 3: [The usual guesses of England, Ireland and Scotland]

Me: No

Girl 2: South Africa

Me: No, but now you’re in the right hemisphere

Girl 2: Morocco!

Me: No, Southern Hemisphere. I am from an English-speaking country that is almost as big as the contiguous US

Girl 3: Those two islands off Africa…Seychelles! Mauritius!

God help me.

Restaurant Tales #46

Musings of an admirer: Swipe Right


So sweet!

Restaurant Tales #4444

Four awkward frat boys sitting at a table


Me: May I recommend our delicious goat meatloaf dish

Frat 1: What meat is the goat meatloaf? Is it lamb?

Me: No…[pause]…it’s…it’s goat, goat meatloaf, just like the name says

Frat 1: [Confused look] I’ll have the goat meatloaf

Me: Excellent choice, Sir


Frat 2: I’d like the avocado quinoa

Me: And what protein would you like with that? My favorite is the fried tofu

Frat 2: Yes, I’ll have the tofu

[15 minutes later, eating tofu avocado quinoa]

Me: How is your meal going?

Frat 2: Umm, I guess I shouldn’t have gotten the tofu. I’m kind of trying to avoid soy

Me: Well, that is *exactly* what tofu is, soy protein

Frat 2: [Confused look] Yeah, you’re right

Me: I know


Frat 3: Where are you from?

Me: Australia

Frat 3: Do you think we’re ‘sangas’?

Me: Do I think you’re sausage sandwiches?

Frat 3: No, sangas

Me: Do you mean ‘rangas’? I’m the only ranga here

Frat 3: I mean, do you think we’re bogans?

Me: I’m going to let y’all decide that one…

If you liked Restaurant Tales, you’ll love Camp Stories, a collection of what happens when you spend five weeks teaching English to 12 ten-year-old Spanish kids in Madrid.

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